© Stewart Bremner
Well, following last night’s 2-1 defeat at the hands (or feet) of the Croats, England are now out of the World Cup. And today, what can the heartbroken people of England look forward to as a way of cheering them up?
A visit from US President Donald Trump, that’s what.
At least the English need to grit their teeth for barely more than a day. Tomorrow evening, provided everything goes according to plan – i.e. Trump can refrain from grabbing the Queen by the pussy when he meets her at Windsor Castle – the most ignorant, obnoxious and morally bankrupt American Commander in Chief since James Buchanan will fly north of the border to Scotland and it’ll be the turn of the Scots to have to share their sovereign territory with the slobbering orange tyrant. There, he’ll devote yet another wodge of his presidential time to playing golf, on one of his Scottish golf courses. I suspect this is more likely to be Turnberry, as the breeze coming in from the offshore wind-turbines that Alex Salmond cheekily planted close to his course at Balmedie runs a serious risk of playing havoc with his combover.
Anti-Trump protests have been organised across the UK, with Scottish ones planned for Glasgow, Edinburgh, Dundee and Aberdeenshire. I look forward to seeing the placards that the multitudes of Scottish demonstrators will be carrying because (a) they will surely be highly derisive about President Chump and (b) they will no doubt draw heavily on the Scottish vernacular to be derisive.
To my mind, there is no language more suited to insulting people than the Scots one. Ice-T once rapped: “Words thrillin’, so real they’re chillin’, the hit author / Getting’ louder than a gunshot…” But Ice, if the words in question were abusive Scots ones, they’d not only be louder than a gunshot, they’d be louder than an atomic bomb-blast.
For example, I expect there will be signs and placards at the Scottish protests referring to Trump as an arsepiece, an arsepipe, a balloon, a bampot, a bawheid, a chugmerchant, a cockwomble, a diddy, a dobber, a dunderheid, a fanny, a fanny–baws, a fud, a jobby, a lavvy–heid, a numpty, a nyaff, a plaster, a poultice, a puddock, a roaster, a rocket, a shit–gibbon, a spoon, a tadger, a toalie, a tool, a tube, a walloper, a wank–stain, a weapon and, of course, my favourite abusive Scots noun, a bawbag, which strictly speaking translates as ‘scrotum’.
Bawbag has already been successfully deployed in the struggle against alt-right nincompoop demagogues, because a few years ago a group of protestors laid siege to then UKIP leader and now shameless-brownnosing-Trump-cheerleader Nigel Farage while he was visiting Edinburgh. Chanting “Nigel, ye’re a bawbag!”, they forced Farage to take refuge in the Canon’s Gait bar on Edinburgh’s Royal Mile, which in turn prompted a priceless tweet by comedian Frankie Boyle: “Nigel Farage tried to escape Scottish protesters by hiding in a pub. Which is like trying to hide from a lion by putting on a zebra costume.”
I hope that this weekend someone has an extra-big sign that not only calls Trump a bawbag, but prefaces it with some choice Scots adjectives too, i.e. declaring Trump a barkit, boakin, bowfin, clarty, doaty, foostie, glaikit, hackit, howlin, mawkit, mingin, reekin, sleekit bawbag.”
There are also some inventive and graphic Scots phrases for insulting people. If anyone needs inspiration for what to write on their anti-Trump placard, here are my top ten:
“Awaw an bile yer heid.”
“Awaw an shite.” (Or even better, “Awaw an take yer face fir a shite.”)
“Hope yer next shite’s a hedgehog.”
“Ye look like a dug lickin pish aff a nettle.”
“Yer bum’s oot the windae.”
“Yer da’s yer ma.”
“Yer da sells Avon.”
“Yer heid’s foo o mince.”
“Yer ma’s got baws an yer da loves it.”
“Ye’ve an arse like a bag o washin.”
“Ye’ve a face like a meltit wellie.”
However, that’s not to say that English English – as opposed to Scots English – is incapable of mustering the vitriol necessary to deal with the horror-show that is Trump. In fact, back in December 2015, when Trump still seemed like a buffoonish comedy candidate who had no chance of ever winning the presidency, I seem to remember someone tweeting a memorable insult that quoted lines from Henry IV, Part 1 by England’s greatest bard, William Shakespeare: “Trump’s a clay-brained guts, knotty-pated fool, whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch, right?”
That 2015 tweeter was Scottish Conservative Party leader Ruth Davidson, whose boss Theresa May will be welcoming Trump to the UK today and will no doubt be kowtowing to him in the hope that, amid all the off-message humiliations and embarrassments he heaps upon her, he’ll grant her some sort of dubious post-Brexit US-UK trade deal; and whose Conservative colleague and Secretary of State for Scotland, the hapless David Mundell, has the job of greeting him / acting as his doormat in Scotland tomorrow. So I expect to see the always principled, unyielding and truthful Ruth Davidson wielding a placard calling Trump a clay-brained guts, knotty-pated fool, etc., at one of Scotland’s anti-Trump protests this weekend.
© Stewart Bremner
The illustrations accompanying this post are by the graphic artist Stewart Bremner. Free downloadable, printable versions of his anti-Trump designs are available here. And to purchase other examples of his craft, please go here.